Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
so old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,
but stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
or those should not set forth upon my track
to overtake me, who should miss me here
and long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew-
only more sure of all I thought was true.

-Robert Frost

How I’ve been feeling lately.

My Friend Larry.

I’ve had many posts up in my head lately, but not the will to put them down. Today, I am forced to put something down, because I am faced with anger, a distress that I have not felt for many years. 

Our friend, Larry, has committed suicide. 

I did not know him well. I talked to him at church from time to time. I do not know him like the others in my church family. But I knew he was sweet, and always had good things to say at the Lord’s Table, and always tried to make you laugh, and made the day light hearted. I would wonder to myself what he would be when he graduated. He was sixteen, and I remember who I was at that age. I wondered what he would do, where he might go to school, if he would go to OVU or Rochester or come up to KSU and be a Flash like me. Would he choose to be a doctor? He was incredibly smart, he could be an engineer, maybe a game designer? Maybe he would be a missionary, or a preacher. Larry was always so passionate for Christ. I know with all my heart that his future was bright, and that he would do great things. I could feel it. 

Now his future is gone, and I will not see him again. I will never know him the way my church family did, I will never see what he could have done with his life, and I do not know if I will see him in Heaven with me. 

I will not see my brother again. 

And it fills me with so much anger. Did he not know how much we loved him? How could he not tell? Was he so blind? I thought everyone in our church family knew and liked Larry, there is no way he could not see the love that surrounds him, and surrounds him now. 

But that’s the irony in suicide, is it not? Killing ourselves so that others may remember to show love us and miss us, yet we are not there to experience it. It is all for naught. 

And that is why it distresses me so. Why did this happen? I know there is no answer for me, but I fear that it is our fault. Is it our lack of showing love for our brothers and sisters that causes them to leave? Are we so blind to the inner workings and feelings of our brothers and sisters that they feel that they are the only ones suffering in this plight? Certainly they are not! And now my heart wrenches for Larry and dares to rip out of my chest to reach Larry and tell him that he is not alone, and that he is loved, before it’s too late. But it is too late. I cannot save him now. None of us can. 

My fellow brothers and sisters, this cannot happen again. This cannot happen again. We must stop being so cold and hard hearted. We must learn to be open, to be unafraid of the world knowing our struggles, so that we may struggle together. We cannot let others feel alone in their strife, when we are all suffering as well. And through this confession, we can learn to grow, and escape that which holds us in sin, together. As a body of believers, the body of Christ, we can heal and be more united in His body. 

In times like these, when innocent children are murdered, friends kill themselves, and hate runs rampant through the world, it becomes very tempting to blame God, and to hate Him. In fact, many do. I used to. But I’m beginning to understand, and feel, that He is grieving, and His heart longs out for Larry just as mine does. Our God is not a cold God, he is not unfeeling. He is not ignorant of the pain that sin is inflicting on this earth. And I praise God for his abounding love, and that one day we will be spared of the terrible things of this world, and be made whole again. 

Larry won’t ever know how much he impacted our lives, or how much we are hurt by losing him. But I wish he knew that he never would have been forgotten, living or dead. I know I never forgot him. 

-Shelby

Hope is real. Rescue is possible.

To Write Love On Her Arms. 

Things to do before Fall.

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile. I head back to class in 2 days! Today is my last day at work, and while I’m sad to be leaving, I can’t wait for my classes and can’t wait to be forced to be creative. All the time. It’s the best feeling in the world. But I gots to do some stuffs first.

 

1. Complete last day of work successfully. 

2. Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Movie Marathon with Tim!!

3. Dye my Hair. 

4. Organize myself. A little low on the list…

5. Buy art supplies. The only time in the year that I can shop guiltlessly and, for the most part ignore the price tag. 

6. Keep going with daily Bible readings.

7. Finish final 2 thank yous.  

8.Serge, sew, and finish my skirt. 

9. Knit a new scarf, and start on Kaitlin’s hat.

10. Breathe. Get pumped. And maybe schedule that Dentist appointment. 

I hope everyone has a great start of their school year. My first day will be kind of lame, only one class and in the middle of the afternoon. Oh well. At least it’s finally here!!!

-Shelby

To-Do Lists Don’t Belong in Friday Posts.

Happy Friday! I’ve been investigating this skirt pattern I’ve had for a long time. This past week I’ve been on Spring Break and have been itching to sew!The pattern calls for lightweight crepe, linen, or cotton, and I haven’t yet decided on a color. I want something that will work with most of my outfits and I refuse to buy another black skirt. ‘Lemme tell ‘ya. I am sick of them. But since it’s my first non-school related project, maybe I should pick something basic. So, if I screw up, it won’t be a huge loss, right?

However, this is what I was supposed to be doing all week.

My 2D Composition project is due in exactly 2 weeks!!! I’ve definitely been slacking off in this class. I do enjoy painting with gouache, but I’m  nervous about all the little shapes I have to cut out of them. They have to fit perfectly together when I assemble them, and if I cut them wrong, I’m screwed.  So, procrastination has become my remedy.

I was also assigned to draw several times a day in my sketchbook for Drawing 1. I think I have….4 total? Well, my break hasn’t been all that interesting I guess. Yeah, let’s go with that excuse….                                                                                                                                                                                         Tim is a pretty good model without even trying. I caught him sleeping on the couch after church on Sunday and managed to get a quick drawing done before he caught me : )

Almost forgot the exams I have coming up..Art History over the weekend and Anthropology on Tuesday. I already have a ton of note cards, now I’m going to have to pump out a zillion more!

So, obviously I haven’t really accomplished anything this week, at least not anything homework related. But I have been finishing up my thank you cards from our wedding. Yeah, I know. I know!! They should be done already. But they’re so hard to write! I have so much I want to thank everyone for, but I’m never really sure how to express it and condense it into one little card. I have about 25 thank yous left, and I hope to mail them by Tuesday.

I have orientation at my new job tomorrow! I’m nervous, but I think I’m more nervous about getting there on time. I don’t think I’ve gotten up earlier than 7am since Christmas! My mom and my sister are coming up to visit on Saturday too! We rarely get visitors here in our little apartment, so it’s always exciting when family gets to make their way up here, rather than vise versa. I love being able to show off the “cleanliness” of our apartment since it never seems to have a very long clean streak and my awesome vacuum and laundry skills! We have a potluck at church on Sunday as well. I need to figure out what we’ll bring to eat. There’s typically food there that we can eat, but when we see the dessert table we get a little sad. Maybe some cookies or something smothered in peanut butter. We sure do like our peanut butter : )

With all this stuff I have to do, I doubt I’ll have time to start my skirt this weekend, or even next week. I guess I should use that as motivation  to turn off the laptop and get everything done, yes? I do get to pick out my fabric tonight though. I’ll post pictures of it later.                                                                              So those are my plans for the weekend. What are you doing? Is spring cleaning in your future? : )

-Shelby

Fitness is Futile if I Keep Making These.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Bars. Doesn’t that sound amazing? It is. After the disappearance of the buckeyes, I had to fill the void with something just as peanut buttery and chocolate-y! So I did. I got the recipe through Baker Lady, but the original recipe is here by Let’s Dish.

{picture found here}

I was lame and didn’t take any pictures, because we’ve eaten most of them already. You can hardly tell there was anything in the pan! :D

I exchanged the graham crackers for Rice Chex to make this gluten-free. It seemed to work okay, I think it was runnier than it was supposed to be, and they have a slight crunch, but man, they are so rich. Definitely worth it. Plus, it’s a no bake recipe and will work great for early morning potlucks at church!

Since these are almost gone, what should I make next?

-Shelby