I’ve had many posts up in my head lately, but not the will to put them down. Today, I am forced to put something down, because I am faced with anger, a distress that I have not felt for many years.
Our friend, Larry, has committed suicide.
I did not know him well. I talked to him at church from time to time. I do not know him like the others in my church family. But I knew he was sweet, and always had good things to say at the Lord’s Table, and always tried to make you laugh, and made the day light hearted. I would wonder to myself what he would be when he graduated. He was sixteen, and I remember who I was at that age. I wondered what he would do, where he might go to school, if he would go to OVU or Rochester or come up to KSU and be a Flash like me. Would he choose to be a doctor? He was incredibly smart, he could be an engineer, maybe a game designer? Maybe he would be a missionary, or a preacher. Larry was always so passionate for Christ. I know with all my heart that his future was bright, and that he would do great things. I could feel it.
Now his future is gone, and I will not see him again. I will never know him the way my church family did, I will never see what he could have done with his life, and I do not know if I will see him in Heaven with me.
I will not see my brother again.
And it fills me with so much anger. Did he not know how much we loved him? How could he not tell? Was he so blind? I thought everyone in our church family knew and liked Larry, there is no way he could not see the love that surrounds him, and surrounds him now.
But that’s the irony in suicide, is it not? Killing ourselves so that others may remember to show love us and miss us, yet we are not there to experience it. It is all for naught.
And that is why it distresses me so. Why did this happen? I know there is no answer for me, but I fear that it is our fault. Is it our lack of showing love for our brothers and sisters that causes them to leave? Are we so blind to the inner workings and feelings of our brothers and sisters that they feel that they are the only ones suffering in this plight? Certainly they are not! And now my heart wrenches for Larry and dares to rip out of my chest to reach Larry and tell him that he is not alone, and that he is loved, before it’s too late. But it is too late. I cannot save him now. None of us can.
My fellow brothers and sisters, this cannot happen again. This cannot happen again. We must stop being so cold and hard hearted. We must learn to be open, to be unafraid of the world knowing our struggles, so that we may struggle together. We cannot let others feel alone in their strife, when we are all suffering as well. And through this confession, we can learn to grow, and escape that which holds us in sin, together. As a body of believers, the body of Christ, we can heal and be more united in His body.
In times like these, when innocent children are murdered, friends kill themselves, and hate runs rampant through the world, it becomes very tempting to blame God, and to hate Him. In fact, many do. I used to. But I’m beginning to understand, and feel, that He is grieving, and His heart longs out for Larry just as mine does. Our God is not a cold God, he is not unfeeling. He is not ignorant of the pain that sin is inflicting on this earth. And I praise God for his abounding love, and that one day we will be spared of the terrible things of this world, and be made whole again.
Larry won’t ever know how much he impacted our lives, or how much we are hurt by losing him. But I wish he knew that he never would have been forgotten, living or dead. I know I never forgot him.
Hope is real. Rescue is possible.
To Write Love On Her Arms.